Is it bullying?

 It’s obviously easier to separate two struggling children at the outset of a conflict. However, I feel that the earlier children learn to struggle, negotiate, and get along with others, the better off they’ll be. You may wonder how letting children struggle over a toy teaches them to get along with others. Struggle is a normal part of human relations.                                                                             – Magda Gerber

Learning to get on with others is an important goal of childhood.   Playing with others is the method that children use to learn how to do this.  Playtime and Lunch breaks are the main time that children at Waitati School get to practice this challenging skill of managing conflict.  

There is nothing more that the duty teacher wants at Waitati School than a peaceful break time.  However, we shouldn't be surprised that during play, children experience conflict.  We so often want to separate children.  You go play over there and you go play over there, pointing to two different spaces.  Playtime at school and learning how to get on with others is arguably just as important as a teacher's lesson on reading, writing, and math. 

We recognize that for our 5 - 7-year-olds, play is important, and coaching within the play is a researched way of teaching children to deal with conflict.  That is why we have Powerful play in Kapuaka.  During three afternoons children are encouraged to play for around 45 mins.  A thoughtful and enabling environment is set up.  Last month it was a vet clinic following the interests of some children with animals.  Next term it is camping.   This is one example of an enabling environment.  There is also a sandpit, a mud kitchen, a swing, woodwork, painting, blocks, puzzles, mobilo, cars, dress ups.  One of the main purposes is to coach social skills and self-regulation - emotional skills.

However, do we think that when children hit the 8-year-old mark they don't need support with developing social skills?  Developmental researchers would suggest that childhood continues well into the teen years.  

So providing a playful environment for all ages is super important, especially for using social skills to learn co-operation. 

What I noticed during break times, and playtimes is that children do argue.  They do say mean things. I don't always think these words or actions are bullying.  Oftentimes times they are learning opportunities.  If however, the harm, the arguments are targetted on one person, over many times, then I would use the word bullying.  

At Waitati School, we are working hard to teach all students from Year 1-8 how to use resilience to respond to any harm they may experience.  Teachers use skills ( to support both parties to work through their disagreements.  If it is over one toy, then a teacher can support negotiation. It is both right and important that a child can say 'no' and do it in a way that the other child will listen.  The other child also needs to learn to wait for a turn.  Obviously, children are not born with these negotiation skills.  Childhood is where they learn them both at home and at school.  Sometimes, children can say mean things, and that is not right, however, it is super important that we give the one being called names, the skills to say 'Stop that!  I don't like that word, speak to me using nice words" or walk away and get support.   This also is an example of a skill that builds resiliency.  We also teach children about neuro-diversity and why some children find navigating social situations very difficult. They often want to be friends, but don't have the words or the understanding of what to say and when.  As neurotypical friends, we can help them to learn.

Is it bullying?  Sometimes, children go home and rightly so tell their parents about their day.  Often they use the word bullying.  As parents and teachers, we can support children to unpack what happened and give them some perspective on whether it is an ongoing issue or a one-off.   No matter what, it is always a good idea to encourage your child to speak with their whānau teacher about anything at all that is worrying your child.  One thing I do know, that is we are a team, and working together is the best way to support our children to be successful.